clickety clackety of the keys.....
Love button clicking.
snapping and popping.
Leaves Crunching
That was a noise I was very attuned to as a child.

And this is the thought i wished to share.
Crap...it's gone...Dammit!
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Oh, yes
This lonliness...
most likely self-imposed
isn't necessarily bad....i feel it is most of the time, but here's a different take, that i'll probably never act upon
If i had numerous siblings and close ties with lots of people and friends, i'd be obligated to all sorts of things that I'd basically SUCK at.
Like being mindful of milestones and celebrations......buying crap, taking people places.
And while these things would definitely help me grow and develop bonds and all that jazz, i'd feel burdened by the demand.
That, i have decided, is my number one foible....I'm not good with other people making demands......
I could maybe take, at this point in my life, a little constructive input on something and maybe some directional advice, but a demand to be robotic on a daily basis, smile, act warm and friendly, suck-it-up kinda crap would mean going back to all the years I've already served on those lines, and handled well 94% of the time.
the other 5% has scarred me. (no memory of that missing percentage)
So, i will create these people.
these friends, and relations.
I'd be close to my English cousins...I know i would.
maybe
I'd alienate them too.
no i wouldn't
We are apart for years, then, when we reconnect, it's like we've never been away from one another.
Oh, those are lovely storybook memories.
I'll makeup friends and relations
And foe
And the people lately, who've wounded my fragile shell, will be divine as such.
Like, can be really sweet, outgoing, seemingly interested, then flip and turn....some slowly, others as manic dollies....the kind that flip inside out......Don'tknow what they're called.
My friend drew some lovely ones once
...
flippy dolls.
poppets
Halloween town mayor, except not happy and capable and sad and fearful.
Sweet and Sadistic.
surfacey composed/sheepish robot......geers and cogs just'a churnin'
Eff'em all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


GOD dANG!!! where are my fellow weirdoze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???? where?
maybe they're not about the whining
Maybe they too like to get things done, instead of sitting here and staring at the pond that is flowing to the left and Mr Shelton bringing his garbage can in....
I shall die bored.
Hurt feelings
Lots of cracks and bleedy sacrum. ( i looked that one up and it's not what i thought it meant...it's to do with bones and vertebrae and triangles, but it sounded to me like ooozie egg whites and yolk)

I'm craving a drive to keystone heights, and the warm sun on my legs on the dashboard and stopping at BiLo or piggly wiggly or WD and getting gatorade and granola bars
and going to Sandy's parents lakehouse and sitting on that whiteish sand and discovering black shelled clams deep in the wet sand on the shore.
the warm sun on my form.
and hair blowing and sticking to spit on my lips.
And there were years with other friends where we floated on some dock in the middle-ish
And we saw the rings of Saturn through the telescope
And we heard a loud boom as the Space Shuttle re-entered the atmosphere.
And Kelly's parents' house was little and cinderblock cold
and we all got stoned at her bridal party there.
And sunburned even though it was overcast.
And the nothingness that was built around there.
Which is not nothing anymore


And it makes me think too of my dad teaching me to drive in Middleburg
In 1984 or 85
That beautiful mustard subaru....black interior
so little and quick and buzzy sounding.
and stick shift and jerky
And it was cold there that November...I remember it so well....and it was dirt roads...nicely constructed dirt roads...plowed or something i guess..
tall pines lining either side.
I learned to drive there...and i took to it very well
Because I'd watched my dad drive all those years before
Hearing the soft dry scratchy sound and the steering wheel gently slipped and turned under his palms.