What a beautiful day it seems to be. I do believe I will feel cold on my arms and face when I step outside. The sun will help to lift my spirits further.
the book i'm reading is infuriating. Not unlike the persecution of European Jews. to have treated women, men, children, elderly as such....manacled...having to pay for your iron bracelets....having to pay for your trial and eventual execution...and, if there were no coins, the food is taken from your home...right in front of the remaining 2 or so family members, very young children, left unaccused at the moment. Dolls, known as poppets, ripped from the arms of 2 year old babies because they are used in spell casting, pinpricking to torment the foaming dervishes who've incited the frenzy. Women and teenaged girls bleeding on themselves, nothing to help clean or disguise the rusty stains left on their filthy garments. Lice attaching to your scalp not long after you've been shoved into a cell that holds 6, but is brimming with 15 and 20 accused...
The history of man is rust stained.
thinking
still
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
there's always been a lonliness to my life. sad and violin like i feel, a lot of times.
How does someone make friends that are genuine and sibling like? and then keep them through all the changes of time......
I look at people I've known for a long time, and at people I've just recently met, or re-encountered....They have so many people who seem to care for them. call them to do things...respond to their thoughts....respect their thoughts....hold them in high regard....
what fucking planet or hole am i from? ain't nobody gonna get a word in...edgewise...and i don't know what edgewise means...maybe trying to slip something in at a different orientation....like, sneak it in.
HOw do you get half-way through your life and just kind of start really seeing what's going on around you and wonder what in the hell you've been thinking or doing all these years...HOw do you just realize now what makes you tick...or tock...tic? toc?...
And who are all these people who like what i like???? and they've been encouraged to pursue their likes and people like them for what they like and what they're like.
Bloody Fear...
Or the best is people who act all interested and responsive, then as time moves on, you tarnish in their eyes....Just not as dazzling no mo...Blech.....I feel contemptuous at times, then in love with all of them in a flash.
You've settled...didn;t take risks...that wasn't reasonable...safe....Strive for the manicured lawn darling....someone to take care of you. You'll want a perm when you get older.
my bird is meowing as i type.
She also keeps saying "Girrrl"
Now she's talking to the dead beagle...asking him if he wants a walky.
mumbling in my husband's voice.
My children are beautiful. And that makes me cry...
How can they be so beautiful?
My daughter loves life. My son gets pissed off a lot. he's 4...threatens me....I laugh...then he gets really pissed, then i pull his hair....hold him down.....bite his neck.
I'm terrified of their growing tired of me...
For now, they enjoy me...most of the time...
I'm asked, or maybe told, to leave sometimes.
that makes me laugh too.
they are so beautiful.
my fish are beautiful too.
my young cat too
my old cats are prettier since i've let them stay inside,
but i find frickin' puke all over the place...and it's not hairballs...i know hairball puke.
that's my one and only cat peeve...
young boy kitty's pissin' around a few places.
Speaking of piss...
they story i'm reading of the witch trials in Salem refer to urinating as pissing...like, it's ok to say it...not a bad word...and ass, in reference to bottoms, they use as well....
i love that book...
and the sunsets from my front yard...with the moon peeping behind me.
How does someone make friends that are genuine and sibling like? and then keep them through all the changes of time......
I look at people I've known for a long time, and at people I've just recently met, or re-encountered....They have so many people who seem to care for them. call them to do things...respond to their thoughts....respect their thoughts....hold them in high regard....
what fucking planet or hole am i from? ain't nobody gonna get a word in...edgewise...and i don't know what edgewise means...maybe trying to slip something in at a different orientation....like, sneak it in.
HOw do you get half-way through your life and just kind of start really seeing what's going on around you and wonder what in the hell you've been thinking or doing all these years...HOw do you just realize now what makes you tick...or tock...tic? toc?...
And who are all these people who like what i like???? and they've been encouraged to pursue their likes and people like them for what they like and what they're like.
Bloody Fear...
Or the best is people who act all interested and responsive, then as time moves on, you tarnish in their eyes....Just not as dazzling no mo...Blech.....I feel contemptuous at times, then in love with all of them in a flash.
You've settled...didn;t take risks...that wasn't reasonable...safe....Strive for the manicured lawn darling....someone to take care of you. You'll want a perm when you get older.
my bird is meowing as i type.
She also keeps saying "Girrrl"
Now she's talking to the dead beagle...asking him if he wants a walky.
mumbling in my husband's voice.
My children are beautiful. And that makes me cry...
How can they be so beautiful?
My daughter loves life. My son gets pissed off a lot. he's 4...threatens me....I laugh...then he gets really pissed, then i pull his hair....hold him down.....bite his neck.
I'm terrified of their growing tired of me...
For now, they enjoy me...most of the time...
I'm asked, or maybe told, to leave sometimes.
that makes me laugh too.
they are so beautiful.
my fish are beautiful too.
my young cat too
my old cats are prettier since i've let them stay inside,
but i find frickin' puke all over the place...and it's not hairballs...i know hairball puke.
that's my one and only cat peeve...
young boy kitty's pissin' around a few places.
Speaking of piss...
they story i'm reading of the witch trials in Salem refer to urinating as pissing...like, it's ok to say it...not a bad word...and ass, in reference to bottoms, they use as well....
i love that book...
and the sunsets from my front yard...with the moon peeping behind me.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
fond....oooh
Fondmem.....as they come...No recorder in the brain....Left to recall....
*visiting produce market on Blanding Blvd...Lakeshore area....many yrs back with Lee M.
Looking for something his mother wanted.
The smell made me think of Saturday Market in the towncentre of Bridgnorth.
*fires in the hearth in my childhood home.
Chestnuts.
nobody else around...just staring at the flames.
cracking, crackling, popping....dodging the spitting embers.
Once, whilst back in my room, i heard an enormous POP!
Went down to the den to behold my father with a dazed and wild haired look on his face.
He'd been given a felled tree by former neighbors who were parents of 2 teenaged boys.
Within one of the innocent logs intended to provide a comfortable flame , one of the boys had embedded some type of shell, metal ammo casing, something (not familiar with terms and function and such).....As its sweet and organic host began to warm and accept its chemical alteration, the shell followed through as was its conceived purpose and exploded. My father had been leaning into the fireplace surround, stoking, arranging, probably bare-handedly shifting dim and barely warm bits of twig and paper and trunk.....
Amazingly, he was uninjured, just a bit of buzzing about his head, in the canals of his ears....Hair tossed about, wispy scientist-hard-at-work-all-night look about him. Almost had a creature from the lab thing going....Dazed, taking in the new world...in my mom's orange den.
*visiting produce market on Blanding Blvd...Lakeshore area....many yrs back with Lee M.
Looking for something his mother wanted.
The smell made me think of Saturday Market in the towncentre of Bridgnorth.
*fires in the hearth in my childhood home.
Chestnuts.
nobody else around...just staring at the flames.
cracking, crackling, popping....dodging the spitting embers.
Once, whilst back in my room, i heard an enormous POP!
Went down to the den to behold my father with a dazed and wild haired look on his face.
He'd been given a felled tree by former neighbors who were parents of 2 teenaged boys.
Within one of the innocent logs intended to provide a comfortable flame , one of the boys had embedded some type of shell, metal ammo casing, something (not familiar with terms and function and such).....As its sweet and organic host began to warm and accept its chemical alteration, the shell followed through as was its conceived purpose and exploded. My father had been leaning into the fireplace surround, stoking, arranging, probably bare-handedly shifting dim and barely warm bits of twig and paper and trunk.....
Amazingly, he was uninjured, just a bit of buzzing about his head, in the canals of his ears....Hair tossed about, wispy scientist-hard-at-work-all-night look about him. Almost had a creature from the lab thing going....Dazed, taking in the new world...in my mom's orange den.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Experienced disappointment tonight.
This was after a 2 hour period of learning and laughing and talking with my friend about.....whatever. So, the disappointment (which is not due to anything that will have a great impact upon my well being, for the most part) was not an issue for the bearer of the news...
And this is where I find fault with many planetary coinhabitants of the humanoid form.
I HATE to disappoint people....to a fault.......one of those who will "apologize it into the ground" .
What makes someone overly sensitive to other people's emotions, while others exsist without giving a rat's ass for what someone else is feeling?
I long for that middle ground....able to empathize and sympathize in certain situations, but also able to let the worry and concern go over something that is not a biggy.
Still want to get across that I am truly sorry, but do it in a concise and genuine manner, knowing that the recipient "gets it".....Then go eat a box of donuts.
This was after a 2 hour period of learning and laughing and talking with my friend about.....whatever. So, the disappointment (which is not due to anything that will have a great impact upon my well being, for the most part) was not an issue for the bearer of the news...
And this is where I find fault with many planetary coinhabitants of the humanoid form.
I HATE to disappoint people....to a fault.......one of those who will "apologize it into the ground" .
What makes someone overly sensitive to other people's emotions, while others exsist without giving a rat's ass for what someone else is feeling?
I long for that middle ground....able to empathize and sympathize in certain situations, but also able to let the worry and concern go over something that is not a biggy.
Still want to get across that I am truly sorry, but do it in a concise and genuine manner, knowing that the recipient "gets it".....Then go eat a box of donuts.
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