lovely 2 days off. got a brief sensualation of having alll that luscious time off before. farting and putzing, and it's ok it's not ok. I'm making myself be ok. I do not like to bothered with people unless I feel like it. and everyone is this way. but the ones who are happy make themselves deal. I am not happy. just yet.

eaten alive today. it's this panicky thing that kicks in. those mother fuckers won't stop. so, it will be low and not jovial and not fun for a while. too bad they are too stupid to accept love

Watched 10,000 bc on History. Paleo-Indians came to North America. Camels evolved here, but migrated to the Middle East. I thought that was very interesting. I guess CroMagnon and Neanderthal were European men. I always wonder about the evolution of our minds and how the planet seems to mirror (or do we?) mans' current brain capacity. Life was amoebic and soupy then viral, mitochondraichal (just invented that fabulousness) amphib reptilian avian mammalian synchronicity with the mother but mama gets pissed, too

Beautiful day of 4th grade girls in pink layered dresses and coiffed hair with little bows. Dancing in the hot cafeteria that smelled like pickles. even my mean and angry boys secretly gave me homemade cards (one in which I was referred to as the Queen of everything by a very challenging young man) we ate and ate and ate cupcakes we wrote about pets that talk created algebraic equations for problems to do with mL in an experiment and I had an epiphany that Expository and Narrative writing only differ in verb tense. T'was a lovely day. Now my family and I will go eat quesadillas with jalapenos and sour cream. Very very lovely day.

tired and when I'm tired I don't handle things well no epiphanies, no beauty today (I'm wrong. There was beauty in talking about simplifying fractions with Raymond, the Sudanese babies, and Makayla P....It felt very nice) my children got their Valentines ready. I'm not excited about Valentines, but I've always loved it. would love to never worry about love, never feel like it's necessary again. Become enamored of my struggles to be better. but if the face is lovely, and the shoulders are broad, and the looks are long, it's hard to remember anything else.

Didn't wake to walk........and it was delicious. Better day. kids weren't AS rude. I love finding moments to appreciate the beauty in mundane society. today, through gray light (apocalyptic foreshadowing) and angled wiper clarity, I enjoyed the spider eye arrangement of the tail lights on a dump truck. They stood out so beautifully against the brown caked truck rear. they lit-up a 3x4 portion of my visual reference for commuter protocol.

I will eat the coconut oil and wake at 4 to walk, then eat more coconut oil, then face the foaming fray of fuckers

today was fucking horrible. not as bad as some,but not as good as others. I am miserable in my marriage and might just be in any other, but it has to be. Neither of us wants to go through the bullshit of splitting, so i just do my crazy shit (which might just get more interesting as the years unfold.....fake blood and shit) and he does what the fuck ever. god only knows. and I do know, but i hope that crazy has quelled. i don't want to know. and I won't go that route, because I will fall in love, and we all know that that is a pipedream. Falling in love is only about need, nothing more. I only need me, and the girl and boy, and the cats and plants and costume jewels. I am Agnes. I wish for a Carl. I don't know that he is alive. i think he might be in cellular bits and pieces.

I love teaching. Those kids are really bad, but I've got them, generally, where I want them. They reluctantly concede to my demands and then I let them be. we laugh a lot and we eat snacks and sing and Kevonn walked around chanting "Hallelujah" when I sang a full verse and chorus of Treasure. it was so fabulous and everyone is class clapped in sync. I love teaching. I am leaving. I don't want to. I am leaving.

My friend, Christina, has requested a daily entry. I've not been attentive in the past few days. It's hard when I've got lots of other things to focus upon. I like writing, though. It's seeing a cybershrink. I am eating lots and lots of coconut oil. It is so yumnmy, but not at first. it was like ....maybe......like having hot jizz in your mouth. Blech.....that shit is digusting. blech!!!!!!! i like the coconut oil. it seems to oil my brain. I'm like the goddamned tin man. my fucking left jaw hurts so fucking bad. so fucking bad. I've been DDS advised to take 4 ibuprofen, but I don't want to do it a lot. it really really hurts. all of this discomfort is because I am not relaxed. I think I am far more relaxed about things than I have been in the past, but all of these years of struggle are tantamount to (fill in d'blahnk) and do they continue???? I have longed for love. but it's an illusion. so there. that's it then. the pain will lessen once I am in love with what is. and it is not what i wanted and it is not what i want. it is not what i need. but what i need is to do things alone. years and years would work wonders. I'm jealous of the dead.

I am falling in love with all my colleagues. I cannot allow this to keep me from leaving. I want to teach so that I can learn. I love teaching poor children. They have to know that their minds matter more than anything. And god knows what theyve seen and heard and been subjected to. But their minds are theirs. nobody can take that from them.

desirous longing for intellect........not in the stars

Procrastination is such a seductive bedfellow. He comes to me in guises of youth and brilliance and moody sexuality. He wants me for my mind and my body follows the lead. Then, when he's retreated into the right angles of the dwelling, I am left aware of cold reality and perpetual inability.

have returned from my boy's basketball game.....orchestrated by a church system. It is very well organized and flowing and wholesome. it is very Southern. There is a smell of old cooking oil when you enter the side stairwell. people linger and exit. Gatorade stained lips and teeth question parental intentions. I entered with squinty, bleary eyes....and I liked it that way. Everyone was an impression and that's about all I need anymore.