thinking
still
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
today was fucking horrible. not as bad as some,but not as good as others.
I am miserable in my marriage and might just be in any other, but it has to be. Neither of us wants to go through the bullshit of splitting, so i just do my crazy shit (which might just get more interesting as the years unfold.....fake blood and shit) and he does what the fuck ever. god only knows. and I do know, but i hope that crazy has quelled. i don't want to know. and I won't go that route, because I will fall in love, and we all know that that is a pipedream. Falling in love is only about need, nothing more. I only need me, and the girl and boy, and the cats and plants and costume jewels. I am Agnes. I wish for a Carl. I don't know that he is alive. i think he might be in cellular bits and pieces.
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If you would have just focused on being a wife and a mother instead of spending hours writing your thoughts in your notebooks about all of your wants and your dreams. If you had just applied yourself to finding work and contributing to our finances then just maybe you would have been able to achieve those things that obsessed your thoughts. The issue was that you only wanted what you didn't have and didn't want what you had. Now you can go and be with this guy that you think you love, just like you were obsessed with Russell Mucumber. 46 years old, mother of two, married for 25 years and you leave to be with a divorced man that you knew from high school, with two children about the same age as your own, You say you want your independence and your freedom to make your own choices but you never have kept a job to even know how to work towards that. So you just leave what you got and go to a guy that does not even know you. Wait until he does.
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