there's always been a lonliness to my life. sad and violin like i feel, a lot of times.
How does someone make friends that are genuine and sibling like? and then keep them through all the changes of time......
I look at people I've known for a long time, and at people I've just recently met, or re-encountered....They have so many people who seem to care for them. call them to do things...respond to their thoughts....respect their thoughts....hold them in high regard....
what fucking planet or hole am i from? ain't nobody gonna get a word in...edgewise...and i don't know what edgewise means...maybe trying to slip something in at a different orientation....like, sneak it in.
HOw do you get half-way through your life and just kind of start really seeing what's going on around you and wonder what in the hell you've been thinking or doing all these years...HOw do you just realize now what makes you tick...or tock...tic? toc?...
And who are all these people who like what i like???? and they've been encouraged to pursue their likes and people like them for what they like and what they're like.
Bloody Fear...
Or the best is people who act all interested and responsive, then as time moves on, you tarnish in their eyes....Just not as dazzling no mo...Blech.....I feel contemptuous at times, then in love with all of them in a flash.
You've settled...didn;t take risks...that wasn't reasonable...safe....Strive for the manicured lawn darling....someone to take care of you. You'll want a perm when you get older.

my bird is meowing as i type.
She also keeps saying "Girrrl"
Now she's talking to the dead beagle...asking him if he wants a walky.
mumbling in my husband's voice.

My children are beautiful. And that makes me cry...
How can they be so beautiful?
My daughter loves life. My son gets pissed off a lot. he's 4...threatens me....I laugh...then he gets really pissed, then i pull his hair....hold him down.....bite his neck.
I'm terrified of their growing tired of me...
For now, they enjoy me...most of the time...
I'm asked, or maybe told, to leave sometimes.
that makes me laugh too.
they are so beautiful.

my fish are beautiful too.
my young cat too
my old cats are prettier since i've let them stay inside,
but i find frickin' puke all over the place...and it's not hairballs...i know hairball puke.
that's my one and only cat peeve...
young boy kitty's pissin' around a few places.

Speaking of piss...
they story i'm reading of the witch trials in Salem refer to urinating as pissing...like, it's ok to say it...not a bad word...and ass, in reference to bottoms, they use as well....

i love that book...
and the sunsets from my front yard...with the moon peeping behind me.