dear therapist, jjust listen for awhile.

my house smells like cat pee.
I am so terribly bored.
I have healthy and happy children, so that should be enough. I just don't know how they won't grow to be bored themselves.
I really need an attitude shift. I've never felt as unmotivated in life as I am now.
Nothing really seems to matter, yet everything little thing is so important.
Wow....Jackson Paul does some kick-ass soundeffects....Right now he's doing the best fighter jet sound as he sweeps one across the airspace infront of his face.
I love making compound words out of things that should not be....like, anappple....and addding and extra consonant duplicate (triplicate) just for effect.
I am doing lots of little bitty creative things...recording sounds, which i love going back to.
i picked that up from my friend Cy....He'd carry a recorder with him everywhere, back in highschool, so i copied him.
lack of sleep makes me wish for the big one.
I think if i lived somewhere else for awhile i'd not be so bored. But this is the same thing day in and out...
When we moved out here it was so rural-like in this development.
You could walk outside and hear cows and a donkey....There was no house on either side of us, so there was lots and lots of space....Now it;s just like a regular subdivsion, but it's nice though, not having someone 15 feet from your house.
we have a long fabulous back yard. an acre of land upon which the house sits.
It's nice, very status quo (i guess), but we're paying one hellacious mortgage....it's kicking our asses.
so iam very isolated out here (or so i wish to be, really).....feels a million miles away, at times, from even J.ville.
I like being in downtown j.ville.
interesting and sudued energy. it may be from the river.
I don't like most (straight) women. (terrible generalization here, but they are so darned uptight)They lookat me funny, size meup. And I feel big and clumsy around them. I've always tended to be friends with women who are not really girly, like giggle a lot with me. but i've always been much better friends with men. cliche, for a pretendcool chick to say, but i'm not usually friends with really cool guys, well, at least publicly, it's like a humour affair....I love being friends with men. I really feel a deep masculine connection with them, and not like athletically, or over my capability (lackof) to make big scary things (but i have so been longing to find the gumption to learn how to work withMark's terrifying circular saw that makes my eardrums bleed when it screams).....I want to make nice bookshelves, and storage boxes, and a compost frame
i've used a jigsaw a lot in the past, little things, but it's scary too, it jumps and bumps, tears at the wood.
blech.
things on casters....i'd like lots of things to be on casters. everything. a world on them.
how can one medium sized cat make a whole house smell so rotten?
i do love my lesbian girlfriends. some of them are very beautiful, and very very nurturing.
i don;t relate to goodytwoshoes moms, unless they willlaugh with me when i curse and talk about wishing to have drinks to cope with simple everyday things.....
i can do this thing lately, not often, where i can see a person as energy.
I don't see like glowing masses, or auras, i see the person, but i can sense the energy that makes them matter (molecules and such)...that's all. the electricity that makes their hearts beat. i bet if i practiced focusing on it i'd see it.
Mark has told me to go study and learn metaphysical things. He's said that it is what truly interests me so i should look up classes and learn it but, as usual, i'm not motivated. I think it's lots of things that seemingly hold me back.....Money, nobody to go with, fear of fucking up, driving for ever, forgetting other things that i've committed to, legitimacy, being disappointed by it (and god that happens all the time for me now...I think that's been a strong undercurrent for me....disappointed very easily.....so when i find something that i've connected with, i obsessively have to see it, feel it, get into it, then it becomes bedraggled)
I wonder if i had sisters what that would be like, or if i had good genuine girlfriends, sister like.
i had 3 goodgirlfriends for a while.....1 is very wrapped up in a lifestyle that does not interest me in the least, another is fighting inferiority and depression issues, and the other is trying to keep her family afloat....the latter is my girlfriend i grew up with and she is a saint. Everyone is very concentrated on their own survival, and rightly so.
so, i think i need friends who cuss, drink a little here and there (to cope), laugh over dorky things (a lot), make lots and lots of things-different kinds of things. find my woody allen persona entertaining, work with me on projects....................dammit.......and fucking mentor.....like the old lesbian artist, like a momma/lover
oooooh....that's a good story that pops into my head about my friend JoLie levine and her mama..and that interesting house on Rogero road.
and how that place was so wildly artsy.
and she had melted coke bottles somehow and had them everywhere
and had pasted fab paper things to her floor and polyeurathaned, heavy heavy poly and SOOOOOOOOO shiny, over all of it. that floor was so cool.
And Jolie was gorgeous, short and heavy, but what a face, but she was gross and crass, but i think i'd love that now.
once she said something about feeling shit coming out of her ass, and i was grossed out by her and she'd piss me off a lot too.
and she was bisexual
and she took some pictures of me once, and they were good, and god that was so long ago.
her mama had tons and tons of plants, a very shady small front yard.
I'd see her around at the Arlington thrift stores.
I once saw a very well known Avondale mama (prominent pseudopolitician 2timin hub) at an Arlington thrift store. And i heard that accent as i walked around looking at bricabrac...and some black man in there knew her and talked with her and she was very sweet and talking about how her bounteousbuggy, bursting at the seams with 2nd hand clothes she was purchasing, was lots of "fun" .....and when i heard "fun" i knew it was one of those women from that part of the city because i 'd become familiar with the Jr Leaguers 'use of that term when purchasing an outfit at Steinmart where I'd work the customer service desk and they'd come up to pay for their goodies and let me know they worked in the boutique....and lo and behold, they'd return that sweet little ensemble the next day and get their money back and start thumbing through the next cute little coordinate to wear to some regalia at some waterfront location
And that Avondale mama came around the corner inthe Goodwill on the corner of Rogero and Arlington road and locked eyes with me and looked horrified...I really didn't know her (knew one of her sons) But i knew i'd seen her around here and there growing up in that area.....
and so the rich buy cheap.....good for them.
My girlfriend Kelly F that i studied education with had a daddy with afew million in the bank. she told me he was obessesively frugal.
bought his clothes at kmart and would weare them until they fell off his body...He'd purchased lots of land in the normandy area and had lotsof rental property.....But, he wasn't really living, enjoying life, because he never spent his money.
She was a good person....Kind of crazy, like a bit psycho, big eyes.....but we connected...long gorgeious legs....olive complection...glasses.....kind of looked meditttteraneaon...how the hell????
we've lost contact...I think about reconnecting with her, but she's remarried...I'd never find her.
and we had a mutual friend Heidi...Heidie was super gorgeous....she and her hub were bikers, they lived offf of San Pablo road. we'd get so high, and it was good, and it made feel happy, temporarily. She was a great teacher.
I love pothead teachers.