Dear Therapist,
fuck everyone....Actually, i don't feel that way at the moment, because i'm home and the air feels good, but this morning it was awful....And the fuckers on the road, and in the school parking lot. and the fuckers who have no qualms inconveniencing you, but you make one little slip-up and they is ready to knock out yo teef.
Hate ya...
thinking
still
I decided not to post this to FB:
ReplyDeletetoday was the day fer me to do anyhtin in Jax. I flew in in the morn, went to a doc and flew out in eve.
No friends... Had to use bus. Actually Brooks tried to come top my rescue and did carry me about 3/12 of a mile. He really is a good good guy.
Doc: She has decided that I cannot work. She had set a time table for resolution of 7-8 weeks. Crazy, huh? I can't wait to see how my job is going to handle that.
She gave me two options, go where someone could watch what I was up to or go into the hospital. SHe suggested my parientes. So here I am down in Texas. Flew into jax after sleeping 23 hours (straight, at my parents house), pizzing the bed, and most of the carpet between the bed and bathroom. Yummy.
Doc made an apt for me for two weeks from today. not sure if I will be driving back.
She has the date this started as 4/10. I think it was more like 4/8. Anyway, that means this could last until June 5.
I have my truck here, which means that it has to be driven back. Originally I was scheduled to be here today in celebration of my Mom's bday. My sister and I are going to see Chelsea Handler tomorrow night. Do you know her? She is a riot.
brooks= 3/10
ReplyDeleteoh JOe...I;m sorry to hear that your mind is sabotaging you.....I worry that i;m headed the same way. At least you have your family still.
ReplyDeleteI worry about my moods and how they affect my children....then, because i;ve gone nuts in front of them i feel even worse.
I've not been exercising like i was before and it helps me....It doesn't get rid of the moody shit, it just makes it not so bad...Probably like pills.
I love chelsea H.....she seems like she'dbe a bitchy friend though.
I'm jealous that you get to seee her.
I shouldn't be jealous.
I don't know. It's midlife, I know it is. I'm just ready to get over this crap.
How do people not let things bug them?
Everything bugs the shit outta me now...It can be hardly anything, like dropping something..very minor, and i'll curse and start crying, usually because it's one of 5 stupid things that have happened.
So, you're outta town then????? Your parents are in Texas????? yee haw....
Yeah, in Texas. Yeah, you are a lot like me in thought processes. Not necessarily crazy per se, but a different eye.
ReplyDeleteOF course that is usually where the shit begins. It is who am envious of you. If I had a reason to stay straight (Kids/husband- well for me a wife) I think I might work harder at it.
THey give me all these meds, but then I go to work like a zombie. Today after returning to my parents I was told to go buy a waterproof mattress pad and some diapers. Adult diapers at 41. Maybe I should have gone into the hospital...
I will try to get something from her for you.
I did just read her latest book on the plan- Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. Amusing stories. I had iPod, listening to a compilation of Kate Nash (including new CD), Lily Allen, the carpenters and led Zepplin Plus every now and then something from a movie like Music and Lyrics. So every once in a while I would laugh out loud, not realizing because I had the iPod turned up really loud. Fuck em.
Moodiness. That is always an issue. Like the Katy Perry Song, Hot and Cold? It is a real challenge for those who have remained my friends to deal with this.
You should be jea;ous of me going to Chelsea H. I'm jealous of you and your live in the country with kids and wilderness walks and such.
My family does not really want me here, per se. I brought paperwork back from doc and they are saying, what? Esp. My dad. Look they are old. They do not want to have to look after a 41 year old.
So back to the diapers. I take the meds fully as prescribed. Now I had not taken any in almost a week The knocked me for a loop. I slept through a whole day and a part of a second. Well, that meant a mess everywhere. Yuck. My parents never thought to wake me and get me to go to the bathroom. In a normal situation, I go to the bathroom like 18 times a day because I am an insulin dependent diabetic.
Anyway, one thing about me is i am an eternal optimist. Can't help it. TO the point that you, LLP, would find annoying. So I am here in Plano, Texas. Chelsea tomorrow night, then back to the meds. no meds today because I do not want to miss the show...
I think that things bug everybody. I think it is more about the extent that people allow themselves to be bothered. Look at a hose. It just allows those flies to buzz around. A person (generally speaking) counld not stand it.
yeah, well the emotional part of it can be hormonal. I am not a doctor (duh) and as the years go by have forgotten more about woman's bodies then I remember. that's kind of a queer thing. But no less true.
SO, what is smodsmor and what is walking to the spar?
should have said it is I who is envious of you...
ReplyDeletehave you considered being off medicine? I think that they may do more harm than good????
ReplyDeleteI don't know...Have never been on them, and greatly considered them for awhile, but everyone i know struggles with dosage issues...
not really feeling much better on them....
Lee says that Mikey could never be off his...he's been on lithium before, but god almighty, the side effects sound horrific.
And as i was walking to my front door i thought, maybe the moods are necessary. it's learning how to control them. Now, my swings are definitely intensifying as i age, but when i exercise... A LOT.... it really takes the edge off of them....The funks are never gone, but they are tolerable...I knw that i can get out and walk and it will help to bring some clarity....
I know this because i've not been exercising lately (like not much since January) and i can feel a difference in my ability to cope with life....Even good things...It's like i don't care about the good things because they;ll just end...
I have dreams about flying to England and as I arrive and greet my family, I begin crying...because I'll be leaving at some point.
Joe, I know, as cliche and nauseating as this is, we have to find something to keep us striving. For me, of course it is my children, but i worry about doing right by them.
they both get excited about simple things, but in my heart i know that they will eventually realize that life is very challenging.
And a study on NPR once said that people without children are generally happier.
Reason being, they do not have more people demanding of them....and that makes me nuts....As soon as i am engrossed in something, somebody is poking at me or screaming for me....then i'll be more depressed one day because i;ll regret that i didn't savor it...right?
So, if i didn't have my children, i'd probably still be teaching, but i'd make things to be my children...You should find something to become like a child for you....You'll have to embrace the nurterer in you, but i think i've heard that you already do.
I am good with plants, so i;m really thinking about trying to get back into babying some of those...I have lots of fish right now, i've been obsessively drawing...i like making weird things...vids, dollies....My problem is i don't stay focused on anything and it sits and gathers dust or rots, croaks.
I know that there are programs for people struggling psychologically that incorporate art. and even though you;ll think you suck at first, it will evolve, you'll begin to surprise yourself...Pain drives creation...
hmmmmm....like the universe in pain made all this. See, i'm drawing some things right now, that depict lust, performing, and some things that may seem a tad questionalbe...so i;m drawing certain things because i;m pissed off.
I';m very passive, so i'll make a picture of someone that has wronged my ego....I;m a little chicken about some of it.
I can be pretty nasty, forked tongue, full of vinegar when it comes down to it...takes a lot usually, but damn, it can feel like my head's on fire.
Friend, no despair, the clouds will part, and then form again, but there is a chance for growth in all of it.
I bet we could find like coffee house groups, black turtle neck peeps to listen to....
According to this doc, I had my first episode in 1998. That was a particularly unpleasant time. So this situation can be a rollercoaster. for me, it is more like a pogo stick. I am up-down, down-up.
ReplyDeleteI can live with all of that. I always have, more or less. It is the lack of sleep. not like, oh I can't fall asleep. I mean I cant fall asleep, ok, lets drive cross country to Denver and not stop to sleep the whole way.
You might think, Great! The problem, too many errors, cannot focus. Maybe I need a different kind of work. My job is pretty mindless, but it does involve a certain amount of brain power. I was writing the wrong things in the wrong files, making payments in improper amounts, etc. That is no good.
I asked the doc about the med issue. Specifically, is it the meds that are causing these errors. She said no, it is the illness.
This has gotten too serious. I have a cousin and a cousin once removed that are bipolar, both with mixed episodes. The older one (50?) has had it since he was around 24. If I have had this since '98, I have had it since I was 29. The younger one, who is actually my cousin's niece, started at 19 but maybe as early as 16. But compared to them I have NUMEROUS health complications. Diabetes. Arthritis. Blood clots. the skin (psoriasis). I am one hot mess.
Anyway, I am not really worried about it all. It is because I have no pets/kids/plants that I have no worries. nothing depending on me. It is easier. Easier to flake out. The dichotomy. Hot/Cold. Light/Dark. Friendly/Nasty. All exist. I have always been amazed at how Brooks, Dave esp could remain my friend. Then to a lesser extent, Mark, Jay (other friends).
I really would like to be teaching. I need to figure out how to get that done and just do it. I can put up with the bull$h!t. We'll see.
Did you sell anything? I have to come up there to see you and Mr. Perry soon.
I meant the conversation too serious.
ReplyDeletewhy do you spell the bad words with the symbols?
ReplyDeleteand earlier i put nuterer for nuturer....that almost looks like neuterer...and maybe that would solve some problems for you.hahahahahah
ReplyDeletethat's usually what screws everyone up.....the sex thing...wanting a partner, being rejected....
dammit! nurturer...damn!
ReplyDeleteHa ha. Neutered in 2005! You don't know that?
ReplyDeleteHave you seen a neutered animal? They still want it, just cannot...
Oh, man, I thought you knew this. That is so fundamental to who we are as beings...
what????? for real...no you were not...another friend of mine joked about impotence after "the accident" then confessed to pulling m'leg....NO....for real?!!!!
ReplyDeleteAh, girl I guess you do not know me as well as I thought. I thought that thsi was known by everyone I communicate with. Who can confirm. RBolling, JLeeMiller, Brooks for starters. Oh, Lord, sister. This is something that changes a person. Really changes a person.
ReplyDeleteHOw would this benefit me to pull yer leg on something like this? Oh, man...
I went 1797 days from the time of last activity to the time a doc said, we are not going to do anything for you.